Patriotism

I am not patriotic. I am not proud to be American born. It is just not a source of pride for me. I respect my friends who feel proud of that because it is something that they embrace about themselves. Something that makes them who they are. That is just not a major part of my identity. I am also not pro war. I know that this may be a little controversial for some of my friends but I am not a big fan of the way that America does the whole war thing.


As a result of my lack of patriotism and my I guess anti-war stance I don't feel it is my personal responsibility to glorify veterans. That may have something to do with my personality as well. I realized yesterday however that its ok to be grateful to the people who rick their lives for us. Not all of them feel as though they are entitled to a pedestal and glory everywhere they go. I realized that they are normal people who choose for whatever reason to risk their lives so that I can be free to walk these streets and live the life that I do.

Ironically enough, I learned that yesterday when doing my job. You see, the office that I work in provides free documents to veterans. I am assuming that it is as a courtesy and as an act of gratitude. Yesterday a gentleman came in to request a document I prepared it for him and told him to have a wonderful day. He asked me how much it would be and I simply told him it was free because he was a veteran, he was genuinely surprised and grateful. I too felt good. I don't feel as though I normally stand on a high horse or behave standoffish towards veterans but whatever happened in that moment was a genuine exchange.

I realized that I don't have to be patriotic. I don't have to be proud that I was born in America. But I can be grateful to the men and women who protect this country.

The New Year

Well friends, its that time of year. We talk about what we accomplished last year. What we failed to accomplish. What we have yet to accomplish. I had some ups and some downs in 2011. I would say that is the case in all aspects of my life. I am looking forward to what this new year brings but I refuse to make a new years resolution. Last year, my plans where to read a book every month and sit down to dinner with my daughter. I'm not gonna lie to you, I probably read 5 books. Unless children's book count in which case I read a whopping 20. *I know you are jealous of the mother Juliana has* I also began to sit down to dinner with Juliana, we did it way more this year than last year and can I just tell you the first few times I did it I was so ancy I couldn't even take it! Now Juliana talks more and makes less messes, either that or I make her clean them up so sitting down with her is less of a drag. I actually enjoy hearing about her day when we sit and chat. I however did not keep my resolutions. Therefore I am not doing it in 2012. Who was I kidding I knew in the first place I wasn't going to be able to do it but I thought I would give it a shot.

This year I am just going to try to improve little by little. They say slow and steady wins the race. I am not going to make a goal of graduating from college in 2012 or having financial freedom in one year. What I will do is slowly accumulate my credits and not overwhelm myself with too many courses at once. The other thing I will do is slowly save money even if its $5 a pay period but I will have something. I am just going to try my best.

Some definite things that 2012 holds for us are a trip to the Dominican Republic. We are finally going to go so that Juliana can get a taste of her heritage first hand. I will continue my education and have at bare minimum my Associates degree by the time by baby girl enters kindergarten. And I will continue to work and develop deeper and more meaningful relationships with loved ones. I will also continue to work on forgiveness for God for "failing me" in 2011 and try to see the good in it. And I will work on talking to him again. I am just now starting to miss him...

Sisterhood

In the past few weeks I have been thinking about the importance of relationships and more importantly familial relationships. I am among the oldest in my family and I think that with this birth order comes a great responsibility. I have a bit more life experience than my little sisters and I feel like it is my personal responsibility to be someone that they can lean on and confide in and someone who can be honest with them about what the real world is like. In lieu of some of what's been going on in my family I have really been analyzing my role and how I fulfill that role or don't fulfill it. 

My family is very unique in that it is rather vast. All of my siblings with the exception of one live in NYC and I live two hours away in Pennsylvania. As I said I am one of the oldest. I have a daughter a job and I live on my own. I am free to decide what I do with my time and I realized that in the last few years I haven't prioritized my family as much as I should have. I am ashamed of myself for not having realized it and for having had a defeatist attitude for the past several years. At the same time I am happy that I was able to realize it even if it was as a result of the current difficulty occurring in my family. 

Growing up I was blessed to have an Irish twin. I had my brother who got it. He understood the difficulties that I had with both of my parents and he got it. I was so grateful for that because we were partners in that. As I make my trips to NYC to spend time with my family and to handle family business and I am able to bond with my now teenage sisters I realize how much I have missed out on. I also realize how much I can build with them. The sheer fact that they are able to confide in me some of there frustrations and secrets is enough for me. I now know that I need to make a greater effort to be that older sister. I know that my daughter too will benefit from the added connection to her aunts and uncles and that they can be in some capacity to her what I hope to be to them. 

Sometimes I get frustrated with the family that I was born into and with the role that I play in it. And sometimes I am so uplifted by the sheer thought of knowing that I can be honored enough to have a pivotal position in said family. I look forward to these changes that are happening in my family. I look forward to fortifying a lifelong bond. 

Despondence

Having been born to a Dominican mother and father has shaped my life in many more ways than I can even begin to describe but I can honestly say that thing that is sticking out to me the most right now is= family loyalty. In my house during my formative years there where three of us. My mom. My brother. Me. In reality we were one. There was nothing that could come in between us. We were a unit. There was nothing that we wouldn't do for each other. Logically, this family loyalty extends further than three of us but this is where it began. As I think about the relationship that I have with my Creator I reflect on this thing called loyalty.

I know that my Creator loves me and that I am his child. I can't help but wonder where his loyalty to me is in this moment. I know. I grew up in the church. I study my Bible. I know all of the cliches and all of the verses about how God never abandons us. I know all of the Sunday school answers. But right now its just not cutting it. I feel totally and utterly betrayed by my God. I wonder how he could be in control of what is going on with his family and just let it happen. That is NOT what I know about family loyalty.

Grief is a process and I am in it. I can see the growth in my family and in myself in the past year alone. Right now though, I have no desire to grow. Why? Because the growing pains hurt so damn much. Last year around this time I was praying and leaning on God and giving it all to Him. This year I have nothing to say to Him. I was commenting on a friend's post on facebook and found myself typing...Praying for you...and I had to delete it. Because it isn't true. I am not praying. I am not praying to God about me or anyone else.

I hope and I know that I will come out on the other side of this in time but I also know that I need to acknowledge where I am. Like I said, I know all the Sunday school answers. The footprints in the sand poem. The God only gives you what you can handle. I know that I don't deserve love, mercy, compassion or even breath in my lungs. And I know that God is a loving God. I just ain't feeling it right now and am not in a place were I can receive it at all.

This is how I'm doing.

Chantelle

The Pink Hat

Passing the Pink Hat to You 
IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
 


IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer). 

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains. 

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. 

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'. More 'I'm sorry's.' 

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!! 

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.



If you don't mind, send this
to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.

KEEP IT LIT! 

IN MEMORY .. . . . ..

These are the colors that represent the different cancers.



A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.

Please Keep The Candle Going!

Growing in Community...

So many times I find myself relying on God, and I think that you should know that it is totally not something I do by choice. Unfortunately this is one of the biggest struggles that I have and I realize more and more how much greater my life would be if I did just let it go. Very unsurprisingly I find that when I rely on myself I end up backed against a wall, it may have something to do with the fact that I am weak, helpless, broken and many other things we needn't delve into. I write all this with a really good point, I promise. About seven months ago I found myself in just this predicament. I needed to move and wasn't sure were I was going to move. God did his thing and I ended up meeting a man who had a vision for community living in a property that he has in Norristown, and he was willing to welcome me and Juliana into this budding community. I was so grateful to God in this moment for having provided for us-as he ALWAYS does. The community living thing I could have lived with or without it.

To be quite frank I thought that whole community living thing was trendy in the christian world and I just wasn't all about it. I thought ok, I will live here get to know some people, do some fun stuff but still go on about my life as planned. Little did I know what God had in store for me. I had never expected to make the connections and build the friendships that I am building. I have learned that even though it may be trendy to live in community its also hard work. But I have also learned that despite this it is still something that I really want to pursue on a deeper level. I want to learn more about my "homies"(an abreviation for housemate coined by Jim, one of my homies) and my neighbors. I want to learn more about Jesus and I want to learn more about myself.

As has been a resounding theme in my life, God had something far better planned for me than I could have ever done myself. God new that at first I would be uncomfortable and that I would contemplate moving out and even look for ways to make that happen. He also knew that I would come around to the idea that I would be an active participant in this whole building community thing. I have come to accept that maybe this is trendy but it could be because it is a really cool thing that helps people grow in unexpected ways. I am happy with where I am at right now in my community but I think something more powerful is that I am excited to stick it out and grow with it and am excited to see where we are in another seven months.

Too much fun and too little sleep

Every time Juliana goes to her dad's house people ask me what I think they do and I always say that I anticipate she had too much fun and too little sleep. This weekend that was my story and I think that having too little sleep and a glorious amount of fun isn't such a bad thing after all. In fact, I think that Juliana has the relationship that I wished I had with my dad growing up. I think that she is blessed to have such a wonderful developing relationship with her father and that he is really lucky that she is an awesome person to hang out with! I can truthfully say that this weekend was the best weekend I can remember ever having! I had way too little sleep and more fun than I can even begin to describe.

Interestingly enough part of the fun I had this weekend involved traveling to a corner of my mind that I seldom think of. It involved opening my heart and sharing with absolutely lovely women what made me who I am today. Sharing my story and spilling tears and learning about their struggles I was a able to remember how genuinely human we all are. I was challenged to work through some of the those things and I heard about some of the things that my (old and new)friends struggle with. I can honestly say that I was surprised and uplifted by what I learned and heard. I know that God put me there this weekend because he knew I needed it.

Just last week I was thinking about how hungry I am to be back in a group like the ladies Bible study I attended up until recently. I missed having the freedom to just pour it all out if I felt like it and I missed being in an environment where I can feel free to take my smile off and let my tears flow freely. There is something so powerfully uplifting about feeling free to be vulnerable with people who you know love you and genuinely care about what you have to say as opposed to that oh-so superficial "how are you doing" that you get at the grocery store.

I may not have had the kind of fun Juliana has on her weekends with her daddy but I certainly have returned from my weekend in the woods with a joyous and lighter heart than I went down with. I am so grateful for the new friends I made and the hobbit birthday getaway I was able to experience. Cheers to catching up on rest with my little sunshine this week!