Despondence

Having been born to a Dominican mother and father has shaped my life in many more ways than I can even begin to describe but I can honestly say that thing that is sticking out to me the most right now is= family loyalty. In my house during my formative years there where three of us. My mom. My brother. Me. In reality we were one. There was nothing that could come in between us. We were a unit. There was nothing that we wouldn't do for each other. Logically, this family loyalty extends further than three of us but this is where it began. As I think about the relationship that I have with my Creator I reflect on this thing called loyalty.

I know that my Creator loves me and that I am his child. I can't help but wonder where his loyalty to me is in this moment. I know. I grew up in the church. I study my Bible. I know all of the cliches and all of the verses about how God never abandons us. I know all of the Sunday school answers. But right now its just not cutting it. I feel totally and utterly betrayed by my God. I wonder how he could be in control of what is going on with his family and just let it happen. That is NOT what I know about family loyalty.

Grief is a process and I am in it. I can see the growth in my family and in myself in the past year alone. Right now though, I have no desire to grow. Why? Because the growing pains hurt so damn much. Last year around this time I was praying and leaning on God and giving it all to Him. This year I have nothing to say to Him. I was commenting on a friend's post on facebook and found myself typing...Praying for you...and I had to delete it. Because it isn't true. I am not praying. I am not praying to God about me or anyone else.

I hope and I know that I will come out on the other side of this in time but I also know that I need to acknowledge where I am. Like I said, I know all the Sunday school answers. The footprints in the sand poem. The God only gives you what you can handle. I know that I don't deserve love, mercy, compassion or even breath in my lungs. And I know that God is a loving God. I just ain't feeling it right now and am not in a place were I can receive it at all.

This is how I'm doing.

Chantelle